I’m writing this for the mom’s who’ve gone through, or are going through, miscarriage. Really, this is for anyone who wants to better understand what a mom is going through after losing a child.
Firstly, it’s ok to cry and grieve for as long as you need. Months after the loss, there will still be times you feel like crying, and that’s ok. It’s a part of grieving and healing. It can also help to talk about it, even if the person you talk to doesn’t say the right thing, or looks at you like you should get over it—like you’re a fool for grieving someone you never met.
It hurts. It hurts so, so bad. Not everyone can understand what that kind of hurt feels like, and many people never will. You’re hurt, sad, and frustrated, all at the same time. It’s a roller-coaster of emotions. You want to scream and yell. And at night, alone and unseen, you cry out for the baby you never met. But however you cope, it’s ok. A whirlwind of emotions is normal.
It was your baby that was miscarried and lost, leaving you feeling so empty. Your baby is gone forever. You dreamed about their future, the place they would have in your family. You had the name picked out, and imagined the time you would have together. For you, this baby was very much alive while inside of you, and even more so in your heart.
To know that your baby is gone shatters the dreams. There will be no exciting birth announcement, no firsts of any kind. But those images will be with you forever. Thinking of the child you lost might never be easy, might always bring hurt.
Public places become something you avoid. You don’t want people to ask how you’re doing, because you don’t want to have to lie. It’s not easy admitting that inside you’re screaming and hurting, doing so makes you feel like a bother. They won’t understand anyway.
For you, life will never be the same again. And it’s ok if it takes a long time to heal. At times, you’ll feel so angry and frustrated, but keep in mind that God understands and sees your frustration. He is hurting with you. He will not leave you, even in those times He feels so far away—times you feel completely alone. He brought you this far and He has a plan, even while you struggle to see any better plan than simply bringing your baby back.
But instead, those angels will be in Heaven—far too beautiful and innocent for this world. They will never walk on this earth, but they’ll be flying in Heaven with the angels. How beautiful that must be. They will be truly missed, but one day we’ll get to meet them and hold them.
Eventually, maybe you’ll get pregnant again. Sadly, all you can think is, ‘Please don’t let me lose this one.’ You hug your tummy a little tighter, begging for the baby to stay. The moments you took for granted with your other pregnancy are the moments you’ll now treasure.
A few uplifting things to say to a mom who’s miscarried:
I wish I could bring your baby back.
I understand your frustration, and God does too. You are not alone.
I understand how much you want your baby back.
I can see how much you’re hurting, please tell me if there is anything I can do.